Actually, I CAN believe it's not butter

Ed. note: Guest post on veganism by J-P!

I always hear vegans praising their delicious vegan cuisine -- how they have such a variety of stuff to make and don't miss animal products at all. Well, la-di-frickin-da. I have looked at vegan recipes for 45 minutes on the web, and all the stuff I have found is really plain and, quite honestly, not exciting at all.

And what really chaps me are all the recipes that advertise "the recipe even fooled the meat-eaters!" or "stuffed with 'ricotta.'" I can't understand why so many people making vegan recipes strive to make meatless equivalents of the foods they don't eat. Why does a Boca burger look like a hamburger and strive to taste like one? If I want to eat a veggie burger, I don't want it to imitate meat; I want to taste the oats, peas, potato, and whatever else went into making it. And making the product look like a meat patty just confuses me.

Beyond the processed "meat" products are other vegan foods that try to resemble their animal-based equivalents, but which are mostly made of processed soy. I've come across a lot of recipes for vegan lasagna and they often call for vegan cheese, particularly vegan mozarella. (The Italian family that I have married into just cringes that (1) there exists such a thing as vegan mozzarella and (2) someone would make lasagna with mozzarella instead of ricotta.) And cheese is not the only thing in this category -- there is vegan sour cream, vegan scrambled eggs, and vegan ice cream, to name a few. Why not just get all the pretense out of your meals? Call it what it is and don't try to make it better by saying that it is vegan bacon or whatever. Also, you can't tell me that soy cheese stuffed mushrooms are just as good as the original animal-based product the idea comes from. That is a matter of taste.

Another example: I was vegetarian for six years and one Thanksgiving I had tofurky. It comes frozen in a cardboard box and is a spherical, hollowed out ball of firm tofu that comes prestuffed with a mushroom and rice stuffing. For those unfamiliar with the tofurkey, I bet you're thinking to yourself, "But that doesn't look like a turkey and it doesn't sound like it's trying to taste like one. What is this idiot talking about?" I'll tell you what I'm talking about -- I'm talking about a ball of tofu that comes with a brown "skin" to mimic the roasted skin of the turkey. I'm talking about a product that you can buy with tofurkey giblets gravy. (Question: What do tofu giblets look like? Waiter, why is there a stamen in my gravy?) I'm talking about little breaded pieces of tofu molded to look like drumsticks that you're supposed to pin to the side of the main ball of tofu to simulate the legs of a turkey! (I am just shaking my head right now because I partook of this and actually toothpicked the wings to the side of the tofu ball. It looked like a hat you would see at the Kentucky Derby, but not as tasty.)

What I don't get is, if you're going to live an animal-product-free life, why not embrace it? I read a comment on a vegan blog (I forget which site) wondering why people eat tofurkey. The commenter made black bean croquettes as the main dish at Thanksgiving and loved them. I have to say, those sound damn good, and they don't try to imitate meat.

So, why the rant? It could be the result of being on Day Seven of vegan (and gluten-free) eating and I have been getting bored with the meals, and perhaps just a bit cranky. Vegan readers, please do not take offense, but having seasoned my veggies and beans in myriad ways, when it all boils down to it, they are still just veggies, and I like the variety of foods that my digestive tract can handle. I like the various tastes that my tongue can savor. I don't want to rely on processed foods to simulate the variety that I can get from nature.

But I do appreciate those who stick to a vegan diet, because it is challenging. And boy is it tough to go out with non-vegans and have them constantly ask "well, are you allowed to eat X?" or "tell me about your dietary life." I don't really feel like talking about it constantly. It's also tough to go to someone's place or out to eat when you have an uber-restrictive diet. I don't want the people I'm with to feel bad, which is almost enough to make me not want to go out with friends when there's so much I can't eat.

So, I guess I am just not cut out for the vegan lifestyle, and I can't wait until this cleanse is over and I can give up the facon forever.